


Healing

by On_Sonnshine



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drinking, F/F, Healing, Post-Break Up, Pre-Jesse, Rolivia, Rollisi friendship because fuck, Smoking, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 08:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13231989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/On_Sonnshine/pseuds/On_Sonnshine
Summary: Olivia and Amanda's break-up, and Amanda's healing.





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> So someone on Tumblr prompted me to do a songfic for 'Through With You - Maroon 5', Rolivia.  
>   
> there's some Barisi in the background too

**_Can you see me?_**  
**_Floating above your head, as you lay in bed_**  
  
'I don't know. I just, I can't stop…I can't stop thinking about if she…' Amanda shrugged, wiping at her nose with the back of her hand.  
  
She looked like a mess.  
  
Her hair was pulled back into a messy pony-tail, and she was wearing sweatpants and, well…Olivia's hoodie. She knew it was unhealthy. She knew that she should've burned the damn thing. The only thing of Olivia's that the brunette had left at Amanda's apartment. Amanda guessed that the other woman had merely forgotten it, or maybe had just taken so much pity on her that she left it as a final _au revoir_.  
  
Sonny kept silent, waiting patiently for her to gather what she wanted to say.  
  
'If she's still thinking about me or if she…if she regrets…what she did.' Amanda's gaze was down, the blonde's arms crossed in front of her on the cool marble island.  
  
Sonny frowned, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and feeling her shake slightly, head lowering.  
  
''Cause you- you know…If she still thinks about me or- or wonders if she did the wrong thing, it doesn't make sense why she'd…' Amanda winced. 'Do what she did in the first place.' It hurt to even think about it, much less say it out loud.  
  
Sonny only knew what had happened from looking through the texts on her phone, with Amanda having shoved it into his hands a mere few days before, when he'd calmed her after she'd called him at 10 PM, sobbing and hyperventilating, to which he'd then gone straight to her apartment. He'd brought her back to his and Rafael's place, not wanting to leave her in that empty apartment, echoing with silence.  
  
'I-I mean I thought we…we were serious and I just…' Amanda turned to him, and he was a bit surprised to see her eyes brimming with tears.  
  
'Why would she do it, Sonny? She was…I-I loved her. I _love_ her.' Her voice was shaky. Sonny opened his mouth to respond but then he sighed, shoulders falling and head tilting.  
  
'I don't know.' Sonny admitted, voice gentle.  
  
It didn't matter anyways, because Amanda paused, and then let out a quiet whimper, which only closely preceded the blonde's head falling forward as she buried her face into Sonny's shoulder, frame wracked by sobs by the time Sonny's arms fully wrapped around her, the man murmuring a soft 'Oh honey.'  
  
**_'Cause sayin' I love you, has nothin' to do with meaning it_**  
  
Amanda was curled up on the couch, whiskey in hand, Frannie lying beside her, the dog's head resting on her thigh.  
  
Amanda looked down at the animal at her side, running a hand over her fur, noticing that where Frannie was lying was exactly where Olivia would've been sitting, had it been…yeah.  
  
She tried to stop herself from thinking about it, but in the end she lost her mental struggled, flashing back to a certain night, months and months ago.  
  
Olivia had been beside her on the couch, and she'd been curled into the brunette's side, both of them sipping a glass of white wine, talking about, as cliche as it is, anything and everything.  
  
Olivia had kissed her, and Olivia had looked her right in the eyes and said 'I love you so much.' It was the first time Olivia had said that. It wasn't the last. Olivia said that to her every night after that. Olivia had looked her dead in the face, time and time again, and told Amanda that she loved her, had _convinced_ her that she loved her, had played her into believing it.  
  
Amanda had really believed it. She'd felt warmth unfurl in her chest every time Olivia said it, she really, truly believed that it had been a genuine statement. Amanda had been so fucking sure that it was real, it had seemed so real, seemed so. Damn. Real. Maybe Amanda had wanted to believe it was real.  
  
The thing that broke her from her not-so-pleasant reverie was both the phone ringing, and Frannie standing up, half jumping, half vaulting into Amanda's lap, licking at the woman's hand.  
  
Amanda laughed, not even realizing that her eyes were tearing. It was the first time Amanda had laughed since the…No, since Olivia broke up with her. The laugh felt good. It felt…freeing, almost. The pressure she'd felt on her chest and shoulders since Olivia broke up with her lifted a little bit as she reached for her phone.  
  
**_I spend every hour waiting for a phone call. That I know will never come_**  
  
Amanda was sitting outside on the steps to her building, surrounded by the darkness and the cold, a cigarette held between her fingers, phone on the steps beside her.  
She couldn't help but keep glancing at it, feeling her stomach churn each second it remained stubbornly dark-screened.  
  
When she nearly burned her hand getting distracted by the inactive phone at her side, she felt a burst of rage shoot through her. Maybe not rage. But a sort of finalizing feeling. A 'done' feeling.  
  
She'd constantly been checking the phone because this was about the time that Olivia would've called her, asking if she could come over.  
  
Amanda put the cigarette out beneath her heel, grabbing her phone quickly and settling her elbows on her knees as she unlocked it, going straight to the contacts.  
  
For a moment, she paused, finger hovering over a certain contact that had been left untouched for, well, quite a while.  
  
''Liv.' Amanda practically snarled under her breath, mocking.  
  
Forgetting her hesitation, she pressed the contact, quickly moving into 'Edit'. There was no pause this time as she deleted the word that seemed to taunt her from the screen. 'Liv❤️'. How gushy. She'd kept it as some sort of way to hang onto their relationship. She had given the sweater to Sonny to deal with. She didn't think she could.  
  
When she pressed 'Save', she stared at it in satisfaction.  
  
'Benson'.  
  
The weight on her chest lifted a little more, and if you could believe it? She felt like she could breathe again.  
  
**_Do you remember, the way we used to melt?_**  
**_Do you remember how it felt, when I touched you?_**  
**_'Cause I remember very well._**  
  
Olivia sipped her brandy, wanting to not think, for a second.  
  
She'd made a mistake. She couldn't believe she was only just realizing it.  
  
And she felt so _guilty_.  
  
Olivia couldn't believe what she'd done, and she almost felt like it wasn't even her that had done…what she'd done. But that was just her wanting to blame it on somebody else. She had done it. It was her fault.  
  
She had broken up with Amanda, via text. She had told her that they'd never been serious, and then, to add salt to the wound (she couldn't for the life of her understand why she added it) she told Amanda that she'd been fucking around with Brian while they were 'dating'. And she kept putting dating in quotation marks, to hammer in ' _We were never dating. Just fucking_.'.  
  
Why the fuck had she done that? She and Amanda…she missed it. She missed how Amanda smiled that soft little smile when she walked in the room, she missed how Amanda talked to her with this special, warm voice. She missed how Amanda fit against her body like a missing puzzle-piece. She missed the feeling of Amanda's hands running over her bare skin. She missed all of it.  
  
She had been wrong.  
  
When she…for lack of a better word, fucked Amanda…well, she'd been wrong. It was something more than a fuck but…there's no way to un-say something, now is there?  
  
**_And at night, when you sleep, do you dream I would be there?_**  
**_Just for a minute or two, do you?_**  
  
Olivia thought she might cry.  
  
She could see Amanda moving on.  
  
Amanda was, recently, constantly going out with Sonny and Rafael, specifically to different clubs and bars. The two had seemingly approved her as a part of them or something, inviting her into their outings after Olivia abandoned her. Olivia could tell they were healing her, slowly but surely. Amanda was smiling more. She was laughing more. She wasn't going back to her old self, no, she was coming into a new, better self.  
  
And then one day, Olivia saw her walk into the precinct with a huge smile on her face. In the following days, and weeks, Olivia could find her texting with someone, giggling and smiling like a love-struck fool.  
  
Amanda had met someone. And Olivia…she was fast losing her chance.  
  
**_I ain't ever coming back to you._**  
  
Olivia knocked on Amanda's apartment door, nervously running a hand through her hair. She hadn't really rehearsed what she was going to say, she just knew she had to say something. To tell Amanda how sorry she was. To beg to be taken back.  
  
The door opened and Olivia looked up, 'Amanda' dying on her lips.  
  
It wasn't Amanda.  
  
It was a woman, slightly taller than her, with bright green eyes, black hair, and fair skin.  
  
She was wearing one of Amanda's shirts.  
  
Recognition flashed across the woman's face and she lifted her hand, leaning back a little bit.  
  
'Oh, you're Amanda's boss, right?' Her voice was sweet, and light.  
  
Olivia nodded slowly, tripping over her words in her dumbfounded state.  
  
'Um, y-yeah.' Olivia nodded slowly, glancing over the woman's shoulder. 'Is she her-' She found herself cut off as Amanda's voice rang out from inside the apartment.  
  
'Who is it baby?'  
  
Seconds later, the blonde was walking into view, steps faltering slightly when she saw Olivia. Amanda…she got this look on her face. There was no split-second anger, no buried longing, no sadness. The only thing that crossed the blonde's face was surprise, and then…nothing. Her expression went blank as she stopped by the green-eyed woman, who was looking at Amanda with a soft smile, and lovey eyes.  
  
It made Olivia feel sick.  
  
Olivia realized quickly that the look wasn't cold either. It was acceptance, and recognition. It was 'Oh.'  
  
Amanda quickly ushered the woman back into the apartment- Lena. It sounded like a nick-name.  
  
When Amanda turned back to her, she was the first to speak, and rather swiftly at that, leaning against the door-frame and meeting Olivia's eye.  
  
'Why are you here?' It's not accusatory. Olivia thought it would be.  
  
'I-' Olivia rubbed at the back of her neck, gathering her thoughts.  
  
And then she was going off on a slight rant about how sorry she was, and how bad she wanted Amanda back, and to please, please give her another chance.  
  
Amanda stood straighter, and her expression didn't change, even as she squared her shoulders. She held Olivia's gaze, and when she spoke, her voice was entirely calm.  
  
'I'm happy how I am, here, with Frannie and Selena. I don't need you, and frankly, I don't fucking care if you suddenly need me. You ended us, and in all honesty, i'm glad you did. You're fucking insane if you think that what you're doing right now is justified. You broke up with me, over text. You ripped out my heart, stomped on it, and set it on fire. And now you're here, begging for another chance. You're abusive, Olivia Benson. And I don't want anything to do with you, not now, not ever again. Now get out of my fucking building, and while you're at it, get out of my life.' And then she shut the door in Olivia's face.  
  
She didn't slam it. She just shut it, and somehow, that was worse, because the soft click of the latch was like a finality.  
  
It didn't echo.  
  
Nothing was left unsaid.  
  
Nothing lingered in the air.  
  
It was just…final.


End file.
